百貨公司週年慶戰略
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百貨公司某處，行銷菜鳥正在向行銷大頭報告。
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菜鳥：老大，本公司一年一度最盛大的週年慶，特惠DM我已經擬好了。
大頭：他媽的！你搞這個滿千送百做什麼？！
滿一千我們就送他一百，那不是特惠價再打9折，我們還撈什麼？
菜鳥：是，老大，我馬上改成滿五千送五百。
大頭：這就對啦，大部分客人都買不到五千塊，這樣五百塊就省下來啦。要是有人為了區區五百塊硬湊到五千塊，讓我們營業額飆高四千五，那就更好啦。營業額飆越高，我們的年終也飆越高的嘛！唉呀他媽的，你這五百送的是現金呀！你這菜鳥，改禮券！改禮券！
菜鳥：老大，禮券跟現金還不都一樣。
大頭：說你是菜鳥就是菜鳥！禮券上面用最小號的字註明一下，買化妝品、買內衣不能使用，只可以買衣服！現在衣服還沒下折扣是不是？！他們拿禮券買貴聳聳的衣服，我們還可以再撈一筆。
別忘了，再用小小小小的字給我註明，禮券兩週內沒用完自動失效。要是下個月女裝打折出清，讓我看見客人拿禮券買，你就給我回家吃飼料！
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菜鳥：老大，DM第2版改好了。
大頭：限量！特惠組前面通通給我加註『限量』！
菜鳥：今年景氣差，東西根本賣不出去，廠商還有無限量，被拆穿不好吧？
大頭：無限量你個頭！沒有限量消費者會緊張嗎？會覺得物以稀為貴嗎？管他限量100個，還是限量1萬個，反正通通加『限量』！
限量100個，到時候賣1000個，狗仔隊會站在收銀台旁邊數嗎？
人這麼多他怎麼數？你這隻菜鳥！還有、還有，這特惠組總共就一樣明星商品，能看嗎？給我加到十樣！
菜鳥：加到十樣明星商品，廠商成本太大，恐怕不願意啦。
大頭：誰叫你每樣都加明星商品，你不會叫廠商拿一些賣不出去的，再加幾個小試用品湊數嗎？1.5g 的小蜜粉也可以呀，DM照片拍大一點，客人哪看得出來。特惠組就是要十樣！還有，獨家！獨家！你特惠組前面不會加『獨家』呀？！
菜鳥：可是蝴蝶百貨也有一模一樣的特惠組呀。
大頭：你不會叫廠商把其中一樣換掉呀，然後全部十樣的順序更動一下，然後組合名稱再換一下，這樣不叫獨家叫什麼？！
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菜鳥：老大，DM第N版改好了。
大頭：拆成兩波！拆成兩波！週年慶第一波有滿額贈，第二波有滿額禮！
菜鳥：老大，滿額贈跟滿額禮有什麼不一樣？
大頭：管他一不一樣，讓客人糊塗，讓客人緊張，讓客人以為優惠隨時要結束，讓客人感覺現在不買下禮拜就變貴，這樣就對了！不然你給我說，以前週年慶只有10天，後來變成兩個禮拜，現在變成兩個月，你想怎麼賣？！大週年裡頭再搞幾個小週年，週週相連，業績才會到天邊嘛！
菜鳥：老大，週年慶後天就開始了，再改下去恐怕來不及印給顧客了。
大頭：急你個頭！急著印給顧客幹嘛？給顧客充足的時間，拿去跟蝴蝶百貨比較做功課是嗎？給顧客po到網路上，讓美麗花百貨參考是嗎？讓美麗花百貨拿著我們的特惠資料，要廠商給更多優惠是嗎？你這隻菜鳥！還不趕快去蒐集蝴蝶、美麗花跟山嶽的DM來參考，還站在這裡幹什麼？！菜鳥就是菜鳥！難怪一年到頭辦促銷，一年到頭打折扣，東西還是賣不好。快被你這隻菜鳥氣死了！
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